Boundaries
One thing I know is that boundaries go hand in hand with breaking cycles. Without boundaries, codependence arises and with codependency, expectations. I literally had to learn about boundaries and constantly revisit the concept when guilt became unbearable. My purpose with this section is to show that you are not alone, when you feel like you failed because your boundaries slipped, when you feel guilty, when you feel overstepped, know that you are not alone. Boundaries is the HARDEST lesson when the personality of the fixer, the strong one, the people pleaser was ingrained for so long, some of us since childhood. It also doesn't help that social and religious conditioning makes us believe we must be martyrs and sacrifice ourselves for others because “it’s the right thing to do.”
To date, I have been focused on boundaries in four ways: boundaries with ourselves, boundaries with family, boundaries with social groups such as work, school, friends, etc, and energetic boundaries.
Boundaries and Self: First and foremost, we are going to talk about having boundaries with ourselves. In other words, take that nap you’ve been yearning for, the one you’ve been needing but you convince yourself that if you take it, you are lazy and wasting time. Boundaries with ourselves means not pushing yourself through the exhaustion because if not you are being lazy. It means letting go of the guilt that you prefer to stay in instead of being a social butterfly. When I first got married, my spouse used to tell me that I stressed him out when I started cleaning because of my pacing. I wasn't waiting for anyone yet I cleaned like I was on a countdown to save my cat! On my days off, if I didn't clean or organize something, I would consider it a wasted day. If I was watching a show during the weekend, I had to be doing something else, it was like my body twitched if all I was doing was sitting down. I cannot stress this enough, it took SO long for me to tell my mind, my nervous system, my heart that It is okay, Let it go, Let it be, Let’s rest.
Boundaries and Family: I mentioned this before. This one has been the most painful for me. It is easy to put boundaries with certain family members, some more than others. People will people and bloodline does not mean automatic respect and integrity. It is so hard and heartbreaking when you must put boundaries up not because someone wronged you intentionally but just because your souls are not aligned. Sometimes it just isn't. You can love them so deeply and still not be aligned. There is a reason why generational cycles and cycle breakers are well known terms. The threshold that helped me balance my anger and compassion to form boundaries with clarity was by understanding that my parents did the best with what they had even if they were unable to heal. Find your threshold, I know not all situations are the same, find the threshold for you, so you may be able to find compassion with yourself and balance your emotions. I will not sit here and say, let’s go cycle breakers burn it all, it’s easy. Do not get me wrong, there are people and even family members that will merit that reaction but like I said, that will be easy. It is easy to put boundaries with people that are indifferent to us or have just shown their true intentions over and over again. It is with the people who we know are unconsciously pushing our boundaries that is aching. It is with these loved ones that we must remind ourselves to extend our compassion to ourselves first.
Boundaries and Social Groups: This one gets easier once you said Enough is enough! The hard part is getting to this point. Work politics, classrooms, friend groups, community groups all fall into this one. One thing I noticed when putting boundaries in social groups is having full clarity of my emotions, not control, clarity. We must be careful with trying to control as we may end up suppressing emotions. Anger was a very strong emotion here. I was even angry at my family as I blamed them for the beliefs I held that I must work hard past my limitations to please, overgive, give people the benefit of the doubt at all times, and so on. Once you’ve reached the point of enough, putting boundaries up is no problem but I learned that the problem relied on making sure I was not overcome by anger, resentment, and shame to the point I closed my heart completely to new people or groups.
Boundaries and Energy: To the point: You cannot defend yourself energetically if you are not holding your boundaries in person. You will remain open for energetic attacks no matter how many times you cleanse and banish. I learned this the hard way through a strong connection, some will call karmic. I had to learn to break the cycle by repeating it several times. What took me by surprise was the type of connection this person represented in my real life, not a spouse, not family, not a friend, simply a daily interaction in a group environment. Not a special connection in my life yet a strong karmic cycle that was very difficult to break but breaking it has taught me so much. You see, I entered this environment well before my healing began. I was a people pleaser, yes sir/ma’am, guilt driven person. I over gave, over explained, and over apologies like my life depended on it, sadly because it did back then and these type of energies, oh boy they attach like moths to a flame. Till this day, I think of this person what people label “psychic vampire.” For the longest I dug myself in a hole trying to prove it until I realized that the more I tried to prove it, the more energy I was giving the situation and guess what, that energy wins again! So i took a step back and reassessed the situation as me in the center. I cleaned and banished over and over and while it is helpful and necessary, it was the over and over that was getting me frustrated. This is when I realized that the more thought, reminiscing, replaying conversations just led me to mental loops, chaotic mind opened to energetic parasites.