Dynamics, well unhealthy dynamics since this is about breaking cycles right? I was initially trying to focus solely on discussing family dynamics only but it wasn’t feeling quite right. After weeks of contemplation, I knew there was something more that I needed to integrate. Of course, I should have known that I was about to get slapped with reality so I could understand what I needed to know for my own journey. At the end, I knew it wasn’t happening to me, it was happening for me. Let’s begin by first understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy dynamics. After all, a cycle cannot be broken if it cannot be named first. A healthy dynamic consists of direct communication, boundaries, mutual support, respect and accountability, while unhealthy dynamics consists of guilt, manipulation, control, coercion, and enmeshment. In other words, no one who really cares about you should make you feel guilty for saying no. It is so normal nowadays for family members to insist on you coming with them to do stuff and when you finally say yes, their reaction is like, see I knew you wanted to come. This makes my skin crawl now. I went from feeling guilt to resentment to anger to indifference. Not because I do not care, it is not the type of indifference that comes from apathy, it’s more toward detachment for my own health. I used to get so mad because this will come from the same people that are all about women’s rights and no means no, yet all that sure went out the window in the name of “it’s family” where no means yes with persistence and private life means you are just uptight. So I do want to broaden this topic to discuss how unhealthy dynamics that begin in childhood family dynamics can later echo in other situations such as workplace or social dynamics. Unfortunately, we tend to view certain unhealthy behaviors as normal or something we just have to put up with as other family members have done before us. What I have begun to understand is how unhealthy beliefs that begin in family dynamics can permeate later when we allow ourselves to stay in environments that physically, mentally and/or emotionally hurt us. I understand life and its demands. People can say money doesn’t buy happiness, but at the end of the day, money pays for your food, bills, roof and certain hobbies that bring you joy. Also, given certain circumstances, there are times that it may become necessary to take jobs that are very depleting to your energy. I want to get this out of the way because I myself accepted a job that seemed very promising at first and then had to stay due to my financial situation. The problem later became that it wasn’t that I needed to stay there because of finances, I am grateful that I was able to have a stable place while I became financially stable. My issue arose when guilt was one of my main reasons to remain there well after I was stable enough to seek other opportunities. I would get excited dreaming about different jobs I could explore, I would wonder if I should work from home, should I pursue something different? So many options that lit my spirit but then guilt and anxiety would hit me hard as I thought of the day I would have to write that two weeks notice email. Guilt for the same people that had purposely undermined my spirit so many times. How can I remain trapped in a place surrounded by triangulation, gaslighting, silo mentality and resource imbalance through a zero-sum structure. Why do I do that to myself? I would complain about it and yet CHOOSE to stay there. One thing I will tell you, the day I chose that it was time to actually go, it is like my spirit team said you will, but first, you will see ALL of the illusion. I would simply not just run away from negative coworkers, I would first see the trickery that was made from high above and how it affects down the line. This is how I began to understand my guilt as well. BUT did you guess the key word there? Guilt. Why am I feeling guilt? My spirit team also helped me go way back to the beginning so I can understand why I was feeling guilty. Why did I consciously choose to stay working alongside people who have shown me who they are from the beginning simply because I felt guilt? For this, I had to go back and take a deep dive on the family dynamic I grew up in. Your path to breaking cycles and healing will be walked by you, guided by your intuition, higher self or spirit team. I am not here to tell you that you must do A B C to successfully do it. I am just here to write about what my path has been to me and maybe some parts will resonate enough to help those who need it. Below are just terms and examples to be on the lookout for unhealthy dynamics: Triangulation - This is when a third person is brought into a situation that should be within two people. For example, complaining to another person instead of using direct communication, using other people to obtain information about a certain individual/family member, a parent/supervisor will go to one child/coworker to pressure or monitor another, comparing to create rivalry, or someone telling you something someone else said to create a gap/distrust in that relationship. These are just a few examples. Enmeshment - This is when boundaries are blurred and people believe they have the right to be involved in your private life. This is where “no” causes guilt, anger, or accusations of selfishness. Privacy is treated as secrecy and you are obliged to participate for the “family.” At work, they try to sell you the “family-like” environment. This is where employees feel guilty for even taking PTO as it will cause coworkers to be overloaded. Zero-Sum - In a family dynamic, a parent will question to compare siblings such as “why can’t you be like your sibling?” For one sibling to gain praise, another one will feel less valued. In a company, a parent company uses ownership and customer power to haggle prices. This is really the “for me to win, you have to lose” mentality. Silo Mentality- This is when departments in the same company act like separate, competing organizations instead of parts of the same company. Under silo mentality, not only do departments withhold information from each other, but departments also refuse to help each other as they would not receive any credit/profit. This is seeing it as “us vs them.” This is such a depleting and soul crushing environment to really be cautious of when you start a job. I know there are many times that this can’t be avoided as people will be people but the important thing is for you to be conscious to know exactly what is going on. When you are conscious, you choose how much energy you will give and then go home to your life. By energy I do not only mean the energy needed to get the job done, I mean also mental energy and what you carry home after your work shift is done. For far too long, I believed that toxic “family-like” lie, and one of the main things I noticed was once I learned to mentally detach, even when I worked long hours, I came home less tired than when my mind and soul was wrapped in people pleasing everyone and their mama. There is truly something magical about consciously knowing and claiming that you are there to perform your job and go home where your life truly matters. No attachments, no forced small talk, no smile or laughing at people’s jokes to please them, None! Begin choosing who you genuinely want to interact with as of course not everyone is negative. Also, when you start to feel guilt, then ask yourself who are they to put expectations on you to the point you feel guilty? Who gave them the right and entitlement that you need to sacrifice your autonomy for them to feel fulfilled? Who made the structure at work that you taking off time will result in overworking others? Why should you feel guilty for a structure and/or expectation made by others? Do not let them take your peace.

🌹08.16.26🌹