Originally I was going to title this section, Guilt, but no matter how many days I’ve tried, it wasn’t sitting well with me. After a couple of weeks and more reflection. I finally found the title that felt right at this point. The title that truly resonated…Self-Compassion…

I now realized why Guilt didn’t feel right… It looks like when I was sitting with guilt as the main focus, I was putting too much energy towards the wrong place. Given the time of year, self-compassion has become more important.

Like the pink roses in this photo, do not overshadow your needs for the comfort of others. At some point, you must decide when enough is enough. 

Before guilt washes over you, try not to interrogate yourself, try not to sentence yourself for not “doing it right.” Hesitation to participate, attend, or give comes from a reason, especially during this time of year. I say “try” because I would be a hypocrite if I act like this is something I mastered. A practitioner once advised, there is a reason you feel inclined to put boundaries. The hard part wasn’t acknowledgment, the hard part is still not feeling guilt because at the end of the day, the biggest guilt comes due to family.

To sit with the discomfort of feeling guilty was to step back and see when I genuinely wanted to spend time with someone, when I genuinely and without a doubt bought a gift for someone versus when I felt forced or obligated. This is without a doubt the hardest to do since affection does exist within some family members. It is hard to overcome over-giving when you know that just like you, your sibling or parent is trying to make it with what they have.

The guilt rises so high when you are born into a family dynamic as the “black sheep” The odd one. The loner. It’s like you are trying to fight against generations, to validate your own self against not only your family, but yourself. To constantly fight  for the right to your emotions. You start thinking something is wrong with you. You start thinking that everyone is out to get you for being different. You start being hard on yourself for putting up the boundaries in the first place. For saying no to others and yes to yourself….

During the time when I felt so much anger, I once heard “It is not intentional, it is dynamical.” I literally had to look up what dynamical meant because I was like HUH? Of course this made me feel guiltier at first but I realized it was because I was still trying to run away from my emotions. The emotions that others have the right to their own feelings just as I have the right to mine. I cannot change them. I cannot fix them. I can only change and fix myself. Yes, there are times I am going to say No and it’s not going to feel pretty, but when I do participate, when I do show up, when I do give, I am doing it without going back home with resentment. I came close to feeling so much hatred towards some of my closest family members and I hated that feeling more than the hatred itself.

I have personally seen what over-giving does to a person. I watched my favorite person take their last breath after years of over-giving. I tell myself just like others, my mother was an angel. I AM NOT. I literally watched “family” turn their heads slowly towards me once my mom passed away. Like it was my turn. It was then when my grief quickly turned to fury. Some are pure vultures. Others I learned it was their own shadow just like mine, just like yours...Boundaries… Compassion... Balance.

                                                                                                   Duality

                                                                                                            🌹12.25.25🌹